Your Tube carriage, yes that grand great method of venturing around good old London town. Bromigo Bojangles here again and he knows exactly the type of people that you will encounter on your train. The tube is a London landmark but also is overcrowded and full of the wonders of mankind.
The Listen-to-My-Shit Tube Traveller
‘Yes blud, I is banging the latest drake, I finks u manz needs to hearz this shit’. The degenerates of the human race wearing Dr Dre beats and deafening commuters around them with shit we don’t want to hear. Motherfucker if I wanted to be at a rave I would be at one.
Armrest Tube Hog
Ok I won’t lie, I do this shit, fuck I hog both armrests, I’ve got huge arms. There’s only a few with balls enough to do this but guaranteed we are on your tube train.
Huge backpack the size of most Londoners flats and a whole load of other shit, this guy/girl rocks on in his vest and shorts (even if it’s winter) and proceeds to shout out tube station names to his Italian/Spanish/Aussie girlfriend, stepping on your polished shoes and not even noticing. Cunt.
The Tube Blocker
So you’ve arrived at your stop and want to get off and away from the ram packed cattle on the train. This fucker will be stood in the doorway, his/her task is to make sure you can’t get off the train onto the platform. Oh no hell forbid they actually step off and move back and lose their title of Tube Blocker, best thing is a shoulder barge or a ‘MOVE’, works a charm.
Tube Newspaper Reader
So being a man not socially conditioned, I don’t pick up the Metro and read it every morning, however the majority of your train does. So as you’re sitting there idly, listening to your relaxing tunes, you sneak a peek at something interesting that the lad next to you is reading. He notices and closes the paper up as though it’s something he should only read. This is The Tube “MY NEWSPAPER” Reader, he feels as though he has purchased this FREE newspaper and therefore you who has not purchased it should be allowed to sneak at it’s interior contents. Cunt
Tube Make-Up Girls
Yes darling, this tube carriage is your bathroom. It’s nice how you smear that shit on your face. Maybe do yourself a favour and wake your lazy ass up earlier so we don’t have to see your transformation from a 2 to a 3.
The Tube Sicknote
This person is a pick n’ mix of contagion with a handbag or pocket full of used tissues. Cough Cough, Sneeze, Nose Blown. Get the fuck away and stay at home. Someone with a chesty cough who does not cover their mouth as they spew away every 10 seconds. The tube is breeding ground of infections and airborne diseases, these fuckers don’t help.
The Tube Seat Scavenger
Do you know what the fastest moving object ever recorded on Earth is? The cheetah? The meteorite over Russia? The ThrustSSC? LIGHT? Iiinc, wrong. It’s the Tube Seat Scavenger. These fuckers will sense an atmospheric change in the air in the carriage the very millisecond the fibres of your pants disentangle from the manky, piss stained, grubby fibres of the tube seat and will make a dash for the seat before you’ve even fully stood up. They will move hell and Earth to get to that seat, knocking over small children, little old ladies, power builders and sumo wrestlers. You name it, nothing can stop the force and inconsideration of the Tube Seat Scavenger. Normally found in the form of middle aged, fat black women carrying shopping bags.
If you can think of any more, drop a comment and let us know which fuckers annoy you.