The online social world (Facebook/Twatter/Instacrap) has followed a similar path to that of the real world where people are being socially conditioned like patients residing in your local mental asylum. That’s why it’s very easy for me to tell you what is being shown on your Facebook feed and what the Bromigos are seeing on their feeds.
Facebook Moaner
Click here to see the perfect example: Moses The Moaner
First off we have the moaner with Facebook being a place to express feelings and how shitty your life is. “God today was so shit” “Fuck you London Underground making me years late for work” “I hate my fucking dog” “my brother is making my life shit, won’t let me play COD, cunt”. Passive aggressive or just straight off aggressive updates to get the most attention possible. These cunts like pages similar to “I’m special, you don’t deserve my ass” and the ilk. Avoid, avoid, avoid communication with Moses and his friends like HIV.
Facebook Photo Lover
Alright all of us have pictures on Facebook, Matt fingering that stripper whilst she feeds him pills, shots and her tits, Jimmy Mac thrilling thousands of his adoring rock fans on his guitar at one of his gigs, or me posing with one of my amazing smirks with piles of girls lying on the floor around me through a serious case of jelly knees.
However for the photo lover, it’s like a competition to get as many pictures uploaded as possible. A 150 pictures of a night out with pre-drinks, posing in dresses, photoshop touched photos, and about 4 blurred dark pictures of actual drinking. When the bright and sunny summer comes along, the Photo Lover turns into a wannabe artist, posting pictures of the blue sky, a cloud in the blue sky, the sun setting at the end of their road and numerous other uninspiring snaps. Of course the photo lover also has plenty of ME ME ME pictures, hoping for tens of likes.
Facebook Baby
We all love children – babies in particular – those cute little things with a whole life ahead of them. Though once born they take over a parent’s life and unfortunately for the rest of us souls, their Facebook. The pregnant women moan about their symptoms, tell all their friends about their numerous ultrasounds, how big their fat ass is getting, pictures of ultrasound, and then the birth. Good lord, I’ll never get sick of seeing the myriad variants of ultrasounds.
One album of your new little cute arrival is fine, there’s nothing wrong with that, but then showing the whole life of the poor little lad/lass for the next year or two is fucking annoying. You’ll notice that the Facebook profile does not seem to be the mother’s anymore but that of the baby. The mother also get’s her holier than thou boost due to her thinking that being a mother means she has somehow gained supreme knowledge about the universe.
Facebook Raver
Everyone enjoys going out on the lash now and then, spending a bit of moolah on some drinks and a dirty kebab at the end of the night to sort yourself out. The Raver’s life IS going out, he parties Tuesday to Monday telling you about what club he’s ‘SMASHING UP’ that night, and the typical ‘SICK SHIT’ when his 352nd favourite DJ is spinning a set. A subset of the raver is one you are probably familiar with, The Facebook Promoter who constantly invites you to groups, events, telling you he’ll hook you up in VIP with a table, and shit for your birthday when really you just wish they would dress properly, grow up and/or die of drug abuse. The invites never stop, delete.
Facebook Politics Biatch
Reddit, The Guardian, The Socialist and New York Times constantly thrown at your face as these junkies urge you to vote for (who I think you should vote). Any engagement with these people will see you thrown a bunch of pre-planned/written posts which are their go-to routine to heckle/side-step anything you have to say. Come election time their profiles are full of images of the party of their choice.
Facebook Couple
Yes, everyone must know you are together, posting on each other’s statuses constantly with I wuv u, x’s, hearts. The constant updates from the woman thinking she’s one upping on all her friends because her boyfriend bought her flowers, booked her a holiday, had anal sex and cooked her some horse meat. If you post a comment or contact one of these people via facebook you’ll start that game of seeing how long before they mention their significant other. If you are one of these people and over the age of 16, please medicate yourself.
Facebook Parent
Short and neat, avoid like fire. They either do fuck all or perv on what seems like your new conquests texting you ‘good lad, she’s a keeper’ or sending you fucking invites to every shit game they are currently playing (that means you, Farmville). Of course the worst thing would be they try to be one of ya pals, posting awkward shit on your statuses and pictures and trying to interact with your mates.
The Facebook Positive Quotation No Marks
You know all those cliched positive quotations flying around the internet? Marilyn Monroe, the Dalai Lama, Will Smith, Einstein, and the list goes on. Well, there’s a certain breed of person that just loves to share these pictures and quotations on their Facebook feeds and say how much they “loooooove” it followed by a proclamation that they are gonna change their lives and “2013 is my year”.
The funny thing about this is that these people are always no marks. They’re usually fat, lazy, spend their lives eating whilst surfing the internet, work shitty jobs that require no skills like a fucking checkout assistant and on a lot of occasions have already popped out a kid or two to someone equally as worthless and untalented as them.
Facebook Share Junkie
Every youtube video ever viewed is shared by these people, it’s a new phenomena where these junkies follow and like hundreds of pages throwing up lots of videos. Of course these retards don’t realise that these pages are just money making schemes. (Oh an idea!) These people are also the retards that comment and share the “Like and post on this if you love your mother, don’t if you want her to die”, “Like this 1 millions times and a kidney will magically appear due to my exploitive parents giving me this sign and my cancer will drift away like a fart in the wind” and shit of that ilk.
Though don’t digress and stop using Facebook, Facebook can be fun and help your long game and pipelining those beauts from far away feminine lands. Why do the The 3 Bromigos love Facebook?
Facebook The Slags
These girls help remind us of those who you won’t mind spending a night with compared to those you’d invest some time in. An avid supporter of the bathroom picture and various instagram filters on their webcam pictures. These chicks are just dying for attention and they get it in abundance from thirsty betas. A fun game: comment on a heavily liked and commented picture “asshole” and let the fun ensue.
The Facebook style photos used here are not real Facebook depictions of these Facebook stereotypes or these Facebook people.
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