In football, when you score three goals in one game it’s called a hattrick. Just thought I’d throw that out there for you Americans reading this.
That was my goal for this weekend; to score three girls in one weekend.
Unfortunately, I didn’t hit the target.
I should’ve read Christian McQueen’s Night Club Bible instead where he talks about how to skip queues, get free VIP tables and drinks, and how to pull the hottest girls. Available here
In football, when you score two goals in one game, it’s called a brace. Actually, it means a brace if you have two of anything, but that’s irrelevant. In my weekend, I had sex with two new girls and got myself a new flag.
Pretty successful, one might say. However, I would actually gladly take back my lay on Friday night and the new flag it presented to me for a peaceful, quiet Friday night with my hand. It was that bad.
I’m not going to dress it up that the girl was amazing and I only pull 9s and above. That’s not the case at all, although I do normally set myself higher standards than this girl.
It all started last week when I ended things with my Slovakian girlfriend. I’d been saving myself all week for when she came round only to dump her the day she was scheduled to come round and unload my balls. Not my smartest decision as I spent the next week at work scratching what looks like a bear’s claw marks into my desk out of sexual frustration.
I had to go on OKCupid and I had to find a girl who was down to fuck as soon as possible. I mean going on there and taking away all the bullshit of going out for drinks, asking each other what we do with our lives and all that pointless crap. The goal was to just find a girl, tell her how it is and see if she agreed.
I came up with a great opener to find out if girls are DTF straight away on OKCupid, which I’ll post in the next couple of days.
It got me 5 different prospects for the weekend. I had the apartment to myself all weekend which made things a whole lot easier, but it turned out 3 of them didn’t really like the idea of coming to meet me straight at my apartment from the internet. Fair enough, I’d prepared for a couple of flakes.
One girl, however, was a Polish girl who’s been in London for a couple of years. This is the girl I had sex with on Friday.
I got her number pretty quickly, before I even found her name in fact, and we started chatting on whatsapp. She was alluding to the fact that she’s had a lot of sex, and I proclaimed she must be a sucker for English men.
“They are all crazy about me!” she replied. Okay, sounds good. Come over and let’s chill.
Friday night arrives, and she turns up at about 7:30pm. In her pictures she looked alright, but in person my heart sank and my penis crawled into my body. Fucking hell, she barely scraped being a 6.
I’d spoken to Bojangles and Jimmy earlier in the week about lowering my standards and both told me to have sex with as many girls as possible whenever possible, so this was still fresh in my mind. They’re right; I’m 24 and have to get my notch count up.
We head inside and I’m checking her out from behind as we walk to the lift, and I wasn’t very inspired. In my apartment, she’s excited because of the view and literally a few minutes after looking around, she says to me “okay, let’s fuck then”.
I was a bit taken aback. We went to my bedroom and it seemed liked a very regimented process. We walked toward each other, embraced and started kissing, and that’s when it hit me and killed absolutely any sexual interest I managed to plum up within me.
Her rubbery, putrid fish breath.
She wasn’t kissing me like I normally kiss girls, nice and slow to start off with, with a bit of teasing, biting on lips and whatnot. She went full on straight from the off by sticking her tongue straight down my throat and flapping it around like a fish stranded on the riverbank fighting for its life.
I tried to slow her down, and it wasn’t working. I tried to focus on her lips and get her to stop whatever she was doing with her tongue, and it wasn’t working. So instead, I started kissing her neck to get away from her mouth and she started kissing mine. Respite!
In my mind, all I wanted to do was shag her and let her go, so I threw her onto the bed and we started taking clothes off – again, all very regimented without much coordination.
Her body wasn’t that great at all. She wasn’t fat, but her tits were very small and made her look a bit chubby because her belly protruded further than her bee stings. Her ass wasn’t fat or curvy, but it was just about there.
I had to put up with that breath while she was on her back and I was on top, but my dick wasn’t playing ball. He was ashamed of me. I was ashamed of me. It took me an hour and a half to get it up, it was that bad. I’m not even exaggerating.
After we had sex, she stayed about half an hour before shooting off. Thankfully I’d found a girl that wanted just what I wanted, but she was barely a 6. All I could smell for the rest of the night was that nasty breath of hers. I took a shower, threw all my clothes and bed sheets into the wash, and then drowned myself in mouthwash. I could still smell it. I got the Polish flag at least but at what cost to my mental health?
She wasn’t all that good in bed. It became quite apparent to me what a slag this girl is and that she didn’t have to perform for anyone because she knew she could go and find someone else the next night. It didn’t bother me.
The next night, the second girl flaked a couple of hours before she was going to come around. She texted me yesterday to reschedule as she only lives about 10 minutes away and thinks it’s excellent fuck buddy potential, so I don’t think it’s a lost prospect.
I did frantically search around on OKCupid and POF for someone that night but it just wasn’t happening, so I spent the evening fumigating my apartment with scented candles and joss sticks to override the smell of fish that had set deep into the walls.
Sunday was a much more pleasant experience.
This is a girl I had on the backburner for a while. We originally started speaking a few months ago after talking on OKCupid and randomly kept up conversations here and there on whatsapp. She’s a high 7; tall with long legs, thin and a wild mane of hair. Just what I wanted after my cute little Slovakian.
Her only problem is that she has braces, which I wasn’t really sure about before meeting up with her. They were a bit of an eyesore when she was laughing, but otherwise she’s a pretty girl.
The sex was good with her and I’m a sucker for long legs. The evening was a lot more relaxed and there was a nice sexual vibe as we talked over a couple of homemade cocktails (what? Rum and coke is a cocktail, right?) and both waited for that moment to strike.
It was really sexy, actually. Almost out of a scene of a movie.
We were sat next to each other. I guffawed, and she giggled. Then we stopped and just looked at each other with the sex eyes. We both met half way and like the smooth criminal I am, placed my drink on the coffee table as we were making out to free my hand up for some more groping. I mean, I held her hand.
I carried her to the bedroom with a slight worry in the back of my mind. However, there were no problems down below at all.
So, two out of three isn’t bad. I won’t have to replace any desks at work this week now that I’ve got two weeks of sexual frustration out of my system and I’m happy with a couple of new notches, and potentially the third girl to come.
Right now, I’m working on a leggy Russian who randomly replied last week to one of my messages from a couple of months ago. I’d say she’s an 8, and I’m looking forward to meeting up with her on Friday. She already told me after some long conversations that she “doesn’t want anything casual, but nothing too serious either”, and she’s already started talking about us having sex with each other. Sounds good to me.
It’s funny; before learning about Game I’d had sex with 5 girls in 7 years. At this point last year I’d gone a year and a half without sex and was fine. On Friday, I hadn’t had sex for 2 weeks and had been having a weeklong meltdown.
Note: I don’t want to put pictures of these two up since we are getting a lot of Google hits from OKCupid related searches.
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